https://in.style.yahoo.com/post/136180268479/are-you-being-mind-gamed Are you being mind gamed ? Consider a situation: You come home and just realized that your spouse has forgotten your birthday. Upset you finally confess your hurt. What is the reaction you accept? Usually, an expected response is ‘ Am sorry’. Or an occasional, “I was so busy, it has slipped out of the mind.” Rarely, one expects to hear: “So what, it isn’t that this year will change anything.” A surprise reaction followed by a set of wail and suddenly you are aware that the spouse has had been having issues that are seemingly insurmountable and how s/he has been trying to get over it followed by an assurance that s/he had booked the ‘now invisible’ cake, planned the ‘missing’ party and presents. A few minutes after you complained, you are actually on a guilt trip of bringing your disappointment up. This, say experts, are a classic case of emotional manipulation. Also called Psychological Manipulation, it is a set of habits that enable an individual to exercise undue influence through mental distortion and emotional exploitation, with the intention to seize power, control, benefits, and privileges at the other’s expense. One of the oldest tricks in the book to keep someone under control, one of the classiest examples of emotional manipulation is the famous Manthara and Queen Kaikeyi episode that led to Lord Rama’s exile. Or the famous Shakuni influence on Duryodhan that led to the famous Mahabharat war. Or a more relatable Cleopatra’s influence on Anthony, which eventually became the reason behind Egypt losing its power and treasures to Rome. Healthy Social Influence Vs Emotional Manipulation Healthy social influence is one of the many characteristics of a good society. Often garbed under words like Idols, Inspiration, Guru, Mentor, these people encourage you to get better of yourself, but in a good way. These influences always have a positive side to look at a particular incident, and most of the feedback is constructive. Even the style of speaking is encouraging. In emotional manipulation on the other hand, it’s always about that one person, and the one person benefiting. A manipulator deliberately creates an imbalance of power, and exploits the victim to serve his or her agenda. The Common Signs Since the start of civilization, manipulators, across all ages, have shown these common characteristics: · Your words against you: A key modus operandi of an emotional manipulator is that once they find your key weakness and take on the charge of infusing you with that sense of self worth, they would use it against you, especially when they have to take a responsibility or have to be accountable for something. · They are the victim, not you: Playing down your issue and enhancing theirs is their way of controlling you. An excellent example of this is: “Gosh, that’s terrible you and your mom had a fight. But just be thankful you have a mom. My mom is dead, and even when she was alive, we fought much more than you and your mom do. It almost felt like I never had a mom.” · Once confronted, they use the emotional back door: Giving the silent treatment, stomping or showing you ways that they are mad with facial expression or cold behavior even if they are at fault is a key tool to manipulation. · No matter who is at fault, you are guilty always: Since they know your weakness, in fact that is the one thing that made them interested in you, they will use it to keep you in the guilt trip. Take for instance: “It’s always about your needs. If you knew what kind of childhood I had, you’d never ask me to do that.” Interestingly, one of the key ways to recognize if this was just said in a fit of anger or is it manipulation, is that a manipulator will use it repeatedly till it shows affect. And once it is set, it will be a constant line in their arguments. · Aggression is their key: In fact angry words, expression and tone are their ways to intimidate their victims, and keep them from escaping. The goal is foster fear to such an extent that the other person doesn’t think of leaving them. They would not leave a chance of demeaning, degrading and exploiting you · They are energy suckers: If the mood gets more tensed, worrisome or constricting – because manipulators love to be in control - once they enter the room, and it happens regularly then you are definitely staying with an emotional manipulator. The making of a manipulator What drives an individual to be psychologically manipulative is rather deep-rooted and complex. Usually, say experts, a deprived childhood, where the child has been bullied by others, or has grown in a family where emotional manipulation is acceptable often leads them to become manipulators. Of course, the rate of success turns them into seasoned emotional manipulators. Interestingly though, if one has to study the human brain then one has to agree that manipulation is an innate element of the in-built escape mechanism that comes to fore whenever we have faced with sticky situation. This is the reason that often lying is one of the logic (excuse) reasoning to escape a situation soon followed by an attempt to weave a story that is convincing. This little harmless, often useful, tool is used in a much refined manner by the manipulators, for whom lying and twisting situation is a way to keep things under control. In fact, ‘the need of control’ is the only goal that eggs the manipulator to device different ways to gain it. REVERSING THE GAME When it comes to emotional manipulation, the best option is to leave . But given the hold that a manipulator exercises on a victim – which differs from person to person – this is easier said than done. So the best way is to re-negotiate the term, which may leave him want to change the game plan. This is a tricky process, given that many a times it may lead to the manipulator turning aggressive. So the best plan is to reassert your faith and stand up. · To begin with, say experts, start by observing him carefully without bringing the anger within. Usually an emotional manipulator sticks to manipulation that has yielded result in the past. So, if the last time a guilt trip spared him the issue of not completing a work or forgetting a birthday, then it will become his modus operandi for as long as the ‘sending you on a guilt trip’ tactics work. The Escape Route: Break it. If what he says doesn’t make sense, then do not listen to it. Leave the topic and go throw yourself a birthday party instead. Done subtly, it would send the manipulator into an silent phase or reassessing his game. Next, do what was unexpected of you. If he thinks you are not capable of taking decisions, make decisions that are small but effective. It can be as simple as changing the décor of the room, and throwing the party. Usually, say expert, an emotional manipulator reacts differently in different situation. Likewise for falling for any guilt trip. Not doing it is the best defense. The Escape Route: Do the unexpected. It’s hard to know when manipulators are being genuine or faking it. In most cases, after a few days of behaving well, they are back in the game. Thus, it is suggested to take their route. While not falling for that guilt trip or conquering your own weakness in small step can be a good negotiation to such emotional terrorism. Do not forgive and forget soon. Give it time and at the next time listen to yourself – if it doesn’t feel right still, move out. · Confront. Manipulators are often people who avoid confrontation. In fact aggression is one of the ways chosen by them to foster fear in the victim. Negotiating this needs caution but consistence. An ideal way to deal with it is to give them small work that is a curious mix of your weakness and their strength and then hold them accountable. The Escape Route: Divide and negotiate. Give them work that they consider as their strength and your weakness and keep on asking for an answer. And while the rate of the work not getting completed is still high, it gives you an edge of playing their word against them. The idea here, say psychologist, “is to ensure they realize that they do not control you, and their strategies have stopped working.” Regaining your self worth is essential factor so that you don’t get manipulated again.
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